"Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."

I've heard the saying, "It's hard to stay confident in a vacuum."  It rings true to me, in my case.  I come from a negative environment; the times didn't preach teaching your children with support and positive feedback.  Our parents lived their troubled lives, and us kids went along for the ride.  I learned that love doesn't last, when it comes to sex, neither men or women can be trusted to be faithful.  Love is pain, with very few shining moments thrown in; these seem, thankfully, to stick in our memories--making us feel that maybe things weren't so bad.  The good floats to the top, the bad lays low in our subconscious. It reveals itself at our weakest, when we're hurt, or angry, jealous or frustrated.  We act out like the children we were when those emotions were born.

People who spend too much time alone tend to ruminate on the negative.  I admit this is me.  However, I wasn't always this way.  I've heard loved ones say, " I just want the old Sheila back."  Sheila wants her back too.  I miss laughing with my friends, my family.  But so much time alone makes one awkward in social situations.  1. You're so giddy to get out and have some fun, you laugh too much.  You seem a bit hysterical; you try too hard.  2.  If you don't laugh enough, then you feel watched and awkward. Others ask if you're okay, which is nice for them to care, but it makes one feel as if the whole gathering is thinking the same thing: boy, Sheila's a real mess.

Okay, so--this is me.  A lucid me, someone who's had time to step back and see what messes she's caused and what messes fell in her lap.  I am not lazy; I want to work.  Having a job is salvation.  Get me out of this freeking apartment and daytime TV.  Not only do I feel worthless watching daytime TV, but every other commercial is about how "you can start your life today by going to - - - - college!"  Makes me feel like even more of a loser that I didn't do something with my life long ago.

 I sleep too much just to make the day go by faster.  I don't work out enough.  But I have a good novel to finish.  I sometimes think I've got myself deluded, that I'm not a writer.  But then i work on it, read older chapters and find that it's pretty fucking good.  Maybe nothing will come of it when it's done.  But stranger things have happened.  Still, if not, I've written a dang novel.  I will find other work and do my best.  

Yes, I do get alimony.  It's adequate, but never is enough for the whole month.  I'm sick of Top Ramen, Cherrios, and not enough healthy stuff on my dinner plate: they're too expensive and don't last. 

I'm grateful for the roof over my head.  My health (which is actually good), and my kids, friends and family who always are there for me.  I'm grateful for FB, the way I can keep track of family instead of the phone.  I've met wonderful people, too. 

God will give what he thinks I need.  I still pray for other things, but it's up to Him.  I'm silly happy for my best friend and her grandbabies, but I'm envious, too.  It seems to have pulled their whole family together.  A family I used to be a big part of, and now feel a bit squeezed out.  Only natural, I guess.  Still, the feelings remain.  That there's a big confession!

And mostly, what other's may see as self-pity, is actually humiliation.  I hate other's paying my way for anything.  It's not that I'm so proud, it's just that I'm 56.  Growing old and being poor terrifies me.  I stress over my future big time, although, at the same time, I chant "think about today, think about today."  And when the past gets me down, "Past, past, past. Leave it there."  All of this exhausts me.

So, that's my rambings for today.